The Long Break, and the Joys and Challenges of Adoption

Perhaps you've noticed that my blogs have been a bit quiet lately. For this I do apologize, and hope you'll allow me to explain this long break.

My wife and I have recently adopted an eleven-year-old son, and are working diligently to integrate him into our family that includes three other children. We know the Lord has led us down this path, but the way is filled with joys and challenges.

God doesn't call us to follow the easy path; He calls us to follow the path that He will bless.

We are embracing the joys and challenges, but in order to focus on my family I have stepped back from writing for the last several months. I continue to serve the pastoral role to which the Lord has called me. Now, from this point forward, I plan to resume my semi-regular blogging. My goal remains the same: "Relating biblical truth to everyday life, to draw people closer to Christ."

God's blessings to you. I'll write more soon.

Footprints For Our Kids

On a snowy Sunday morning, my pre-teen son and I went to church early. I parked in the back of the lot, far from the building, and my son followed me across the snow-covered lot.

From behind I heard him say, "Hey, Dad, I'm following in your footsteps!" I looked behind to see that he was stepping carefully into each footprint I had made.

Playfully, I started walking erratically. A quick step to the side, followed by a huge jump forward, then a lunge in the other direction. From behind I heard the grunts of my son, still trying to match my every step as he leapt from each footprint to the next.

In that moment I thought about the footprints we leave for our children. If they "follow in our footsteps," are we leaving steps that are easy to follow, and that will lead them to good places?

Fellow fathers, are we walking the path to the Cross, so they can see what genuine faith in Jesus Christ looks like? Are we demonstrating how to follow paths of integrity, honesty, kindness, and love? Or are our footsteps leading to some places we know we should not go, and we do not want them to go either?

Let's leave footprints for our kids that help guide them in the right ways. The Good Shepherd "leads me in paths of righteousness" (Psalm 23:3). I pray that He helps me to lead my children in righteous paths, and, fellow father, I pray that He helps you too.

Running Over the Bike

My three-year-old son had begun to outgrow his first little bicycle. I decided to take my kids out just to LOOK at new bikes and see how much they might cost.

I began to back the van out of the garage and suddenly heard a startling thump. I stopped, jumped out of the van, and looked behind it. My son's little bike was now partially under the back bumper, slightly twisted but clearly beyond repair. Suddenly our trip was no longer about LOOKING for a new bike; we needed to BUY a new bike.

At the time I mentally gave myself the "Bad Dad of the Day" award. Now that I look back I just laugh (my kids laugh too).

Fellow fathers, let's be honest: we are imperfect parents! We make all kinds of mistakes. Can we offer grace to ourselves to confess the mistakes of yesterday (or even just a few minutes ago) and start again with a renewed commitment to be the best fathers we can be?

Dandelions, Scribbles, and Love

Our children have always enjoyed giving gifts to their mother and me. When they were very young, they proudly gave us pieces of paper filled with scribbles; we lovingly displayed these scribbles on the refrigerator for all to enjoy.

Our youngest daughter is now five, and most recently she has taken great delight in presenting bouquets of dandelions to my wife. She proudly arranges the yellow flowers in a little vase and presents them with joy.

It is age-appropriate for a five-year-old to show her love for her parents by giving them dandelions and scribbled pictures. As her parents, we receive these gifts of love with pleasure.

As children grow, their expressions of love grow as well. Our older children, ages 11 and 13, no longer give us dandelions or scribbles. They express their love through hugs, gifts, kind deeds, and thoughtful words. If our older children were to present dandelions as expressions of love, my wife and I might wonder if they were showing genuine love or just playing a game.

We know that our children will continue to mature in their expressions of love as they grow older. As always, the love they show will be gratefully received by their parents.

This makes me think about the way I show my love to my Heavenly Father. When I was very young in faith, God was delighted with my scribbles and dandelions - various childlike gifts of love and faith. My early steps of obedience brought Him glory. My elementary worship delighted His heart. My little coins in the offering basket honored Him. He patiently listened to my simple prayers.

But now that I've grown in faith and in the knowledge of Him over many years, I ask myself: have my expressions of love matured as well?

Fellow Christian, I pose the same question to you.

"For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome" (1 John 5:3).

Love Languages in Our Families

My 10-year-old son often asks, "Can we play a game?" or "Can we watch something together?" His requests tend to come at inconvenient times, but I am learning to respond graciously when he asks. In his own way, he's asking me to show my love for him by spending time with him. That's his love language.

Perhaps you're familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman's work on "The Five Love Languages." He suggests these love languages:
* Words of Affirmation
* Acts of Service
* Receiving Gifts
* Quality Time
* Physical Touch

Chapman further suggests that we each have one primary love language, the thing we most often do to show love, or the thing that others can do that will help us feel most loved.

My love language is Acts of Service, so when I show love to someone, I tend to do something kind or unexpected. Likewise, if someone does something for me, I feel a surge of joy and gratitude.

My wife's love language is Words of Affirmation, so a day without a compliment is a hard day for her. I might clean the whole house for her, but as much as she would be grateful for that, she doesn't feel loved and cherished until I share with her some words of encouragement and gratitude.

For my oldest daughter, it's physical touch. For my son it's quality time. For my youngest daughter, it seems to be physical touch (she's only five, so we're still trying to figure hers out). Each person has his or her own unique love language.

As a husband and father, I want to meet my wife's and kids' needs for love in the ways they best feel loved. This means I have to break out of my natural tendency to show love with acts of service (which I will still do no matter what), and find ways to speak to each of them in their unique love language. Each day I need to spend quality time with my son, snuggle with my daughters, and share words of encouragement with my wife.

You, too, may need to break out of your comfort zone to show love to your wife and children. You may need to go shopping for, or with, the one who thrives on receiving gifts. You may need to take time to linger and hold the one who thrives on physical touch. You may need to search for words of affirmation that will encourage your wife or child (that's probably important no matter what, but even more important for the person with this love language). You may need to take time to do something special for the one who thrives on acts of service. You may need to slow down and spend some unhurried moments with the one who thrives on quality time.

How will you show love to your family today?

Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com
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You can read more about the five love languages at www.5lovelanguages.com.

Great Resources for Dads

As fathers, we want to help our children think through the many social, spiritual, and emotional issues they will face. How do we help them think biblically about peer pressure, internet usage, and a myriad of questions about dating and sex?

I have found some valuable resources that have blessed and equipped me to be a better father. Before I share them with you, I want to tell you that I am NOT receiving anything from promoting these resources. I am highlighting them simply because I've found them to be very helpful to me as a parent.

* www.just1clickaway.org - This site contains research by Josh McDowell about internet usage in our day and time. His well-researched statistics stunned me and helped me think about how I can help my own children stay safe online. [Additional note: On this site, I highly recommend you click on the "Resources" tab and then watch the video in the center of that screen. This is a talk Josh gave last year to the American Association of Christian Counselors and it is full of tremendous information for parents as well as other adults who work with teens.]

* The Bare Facts - This is a DVD and book resource from Josh McDowell. Again, he has done tremendous research, and has written this book primarily to teens (though I suggest parents should read/view it with their teens), covering a wide range of questions today's youth might ask about sex. (This resource can also be ordered from other places, including Amazon and Barnes&Noble.)

* Interviewing Your Daughter's Date - This book by Dennis Rainey (Family Life) has some great thoughts for Dads who have daughters approaching the dating age. This resource is also available on Amazon and Barnes&Noble and Christian Book Distributors.

If you're looking for more, you can find a number of great resources from Family Life and Focus on the Family and the National Fatherhood Initiative.

I pray these resources bless, encourage, and equip you and me, as we all seek to raise God-honoring kids.

How's Your Serve?

Men, if we want to have great marriages and strong families, we may need to work on our serve.

Am I serving my wife well? Am I taking time to listen to her? Am I conscientious about meeting her needs? Am I careful to avoid doing things that frustrate or marginalize her? See 1 Peter 3:7.

Am I serving my kids well? Am I disengaging from work so I can spend time with my kids? Am I turning off the television and the electronic devices so I can listen to them with my eyes as well as my ears? Am I asking questions about their lives and spending time doing things that are important to them? See Ephesians 6:4.

I have to admit: I still have a LONG way to go when it comes to improving my "serve." Maybe you do, too. If so, men, will you join me in committing to serve our wives and children a little better this week?

Do you remember what Jesus said about His purpose in coming to earth? In Mark 10:45 we read His words: "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." I want to follow Jesus' example and serve my family well. Will you do the same?

For the Single Dads

Most of the posts on this blog tend to focus on men who are married with children. However, because I was a single father for 2 1/2 years after my first wife passed away, single dads always have a special place in my heart.

No matter what circumstances made you a single father, I want to give you some encouragement today. Whether you have your children all the time or you share custody with others, God has positioned you to have tremendous influence on your child or children. I want to encourage you to make the most of the opportunity you have.

There's no doubt: being a single parent is hard. Kids' needs are constant. Meeting those needs can be quite exhausting, especially if you're doing it alone. I recently reviewed a large number of e-mails I wrote during those years when I was a single dad, and to some of my most trusted family and friends I regularly vented frustrations with solo-parenting my two young children. In these e-mails I often sought affirmation of decisions I made, or advice on how to handle situations for which I could not find solutions - from bedtime battles to potty training to mealtime complaints.

Dear single dad, may I offer you some thoughts?

• Look to the Lord for help. God is our perfect Heavenly Father, and He is ready to help if you ask Him.
  

• Call on other people for advice. Our culture encourages fierce independence, but single parents cannot afford to muddle through this alone. Have a few trusted friends or family members that you can call or text or e-mail whenever you need advice.

• Spend time with good families. When in the presence of fellow parents you respect, learn all you can from the way they work with their children. Good parents will never mind your asking for words of wisdom. I gained many great ideas from wonderful fellow-parents all around me.

• If your parents were good role models, emulate them. If they were not, be honest about their shortcomings and learn from their mistakes. You may be the first God-honoring parent in your family lineage, so start a good pattern for future generations.

Being a single dad may not be easy, but you can do it. Some days it takes every ounce of energy just to survive through the day. But we really want to do much more than "get by." We want to follow Ephesians 6:4 and "bring [our children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." As you look to the Lord, He will give you the strength and grace to do this.

Maintaining Purity in an Impure World

If we want our children to remain pure in this world, we as husbands and fathers want to be the first to set the example. What do we watch or listen to? What do we view when surfing the internet, especially when nobody is watching? What do we like to talk about or joke about? Is our example showing our kids how to be modest and pure, or is it communicating a different message?

Please allow me to offer a personal illustration. I have Celiac Disease. I will get sick if I ingest even a crumb of something with wheat (or other gluten) in it. At home I have my own peanut butter jar (so bread crumbs don't find their way into my peanut butter) and my own toaster (so crumbs of regular bread won't touch my gluten-free bread). At mealtimes our family is very careful not to "cross-contaminate" the food: to let a serving spoon touch something with gluten and then go back into a bowl of something I could otherwise eat. I am constantly alert about everything that enters my mouth. I wash my hands frequently so I don't accidentally ingest even a hint of gluten. The cost of making a mistake is very high, so I exercise constant caution.

The same vigilance is needed in the area of moral purity. I don't want even a crumb of something immoral to come into my mind through my eyes or ears. The consequences are huge and hurtful. I want to guard myself constantly to maintain purity.

As hard as it is for me to guard myself in what I eat physically, it is even harder to guard my eyes and ears from so many impurities all around me. I spend a lot of time on the internet, so I am constantly in danger of seeing or hearing things that I shouldn't see or hear. I have to be on my guard at all times.

Keeping morally pure is vital to us as believers in Christ. We want to remain unstained from the world (see James 1:27). As I tell my kids often, once you see something, you cannot ever "un-see" it.

A trusted Christian researcher has put together some new statistics about internet pornography, teen sexual behavior, and the unique challenges that come with the proliferation of smart phones and tablet devices. I recommend you look at Josh McDowell's new website: www.just1clickaway.org.

I should clarify something: I personally use many technological tools in my work. I am not against using them, but I know the importance of keeping good boundaries for myself, and teaching my children to keep good boundaries as well.

How are you doing? Are you keeping strong standards of moral purity? Or do you need to make some changes today?

Daddy Mistakes

Today I saw my four-year-old daughter sitting on the kitchen counter, and said sternly, "Get off the counter. You're not supposed to be up there." She stared at me with a bewildered expression on her face, and softly said, "But Dad, you put me up here." Indeed I had given her a hug and put her on the counter, then walked across the kitchen to deal with something else, and then turned around and found her on the counter. In that short a time I had forgotten that I had put her there! Oops.

We are not perfect parents. I will not list my faults here, nor will I ask you to list yours. What's most important is that we are willing to admit our failures to the Lord and seek His forgiveness. Also important - and sometimes harder - is to admit to our children when we make mistakes. They need to see that we are sinners just like they are, but that we have a forgiving heavenly Father who is quick to show us grace when we repent. Our children should learn from us that they can always go quickly to God for forgiveness when they sin.

I hugged my daughter as I gently took her down from the counter and put her back on the floor. I acknowledged she was right and said I was sorry for that mistake. I asked her to forgive me. She did. And I know the Lord forgave me too.

Tell Me a Truth that Makes Me Sad

My dear four-year-old daughter,

You didn't want to admit what you did this morning, so you told me a lie. I wish you could understand how awful a lie really is. When you blamed your older sister for breaking it, and told me that lie several times, it broke my heart. I'm not angry that something is broken, but I'm angry at the lie you told me over and over, even when I invited you to tell me the truth.

I would rather you tell me a truth that makes me sad than a lie that makes me mad.

God doesn't like it when we lie. He calls that sin. We want to be people who tell the truth always. Please tell me the truth.

No matter what, I will always, always love you. And that is the truth.

Love,
Dad

An All-The-Time Job

"Dad! Dad! Dad! Daddy!" One day in the car I had heard the name "Dad" so many times that I raised my voice and said, "I'm changing my name! For the next hour my name is not Dad!"

My young children were stunned. After a moment of silence, one of them asked, "So what is your name?"

"I'm not going to tell you!" I responded, still a bit frustrated.

That worked for about another minute, and that was about all the break I had.

Being a God-honoring Dad is an all-the-time job. We don't get to clock out and then go do something else. We're "on the clock" 24/7.

Deuteronomy 6:7 tells us a little about the all-the-time nature of parenting, especially how we are to teach the words of God to our children:

"You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

That sounds like "all the time" to me. We are always working; we are always on call. This is God's divine assignment to parents. Do you know why? It's because our children learn not only by the things we say, but by the lives we live. These words of Scripture follow two verses (Deuteronomy 6:5-6) that put the command into a clearer context:

"You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart."

So it's not just instructing them all the time - we're not just telling them what to do. Yes, we're always teaching, but even more we're teaching them by our lives. We are teaching by the example we set, by the way we love the Lord and live for Him. 

Little eyes and ears always see and hear. When we're at work, our children know that we are dedicated to our jobs, and that working hard is a way we honor God. When we are sleeping, our children learn that God intends for us to take times of rest. As we worship with our families in church, our children learn how to worship. And we cannot be fooled: even little sins we think are "hidden" may still be noticed and emulated by our children.

Being a God-honoring Dad is an all-the-time job. But we also have an all-the-time Heavenly Father to Whom we can turn for help as we teach our children by word and by example.