Finger Pointing

By nature we are great at pointing fingers of blame.

The pattern starts in early childhood. "Johnny, did you break this toy?" What is four-year-old Johnny's likely answer? "No," or "I was playing and it just broke," or "Tommy did it."

Indeed, children are naturally adept at blaming one another. Whenever I hear an argument among my children, they are quite skilled at pointing out one another's faults, and quite reluctant to admit any of their own faults.

As children grow, the finger-pointing may look a little more sophisticated, but it's still finger-pointing. "I wasn't really speeding - I was just going with the flow of traffic." "Everyone is talking bad about me." "My teacher didn't remind me about the test, so I got a bad grade." "My parents forgot to give me money for the field trip." "Well how was I supposed to know that was due today?" "My boss totally made up lies about me so he could fire me."

Do you see how seldom the finger points toward self? It's too busy pointing at others' faults.

Let's be honest: none of us can really get off the hook here, can we? How often is the "problem" really "my wife's fault"? How often is someone else to blame when the checks bounce or the project misses its deadline? How often are the circumstances "beyond my control"?

Through years of counseling people in marriage issues and parent/child issues - not to mention raising my own children - I have seen a lot of finger-pointing. I have seen very little willingness to accept personal fault. "I'm sorry, I failed to complete this project on time." "I'm sorry, I should not have been so critical." "Please forgive me for being so unkind."

The finger points in the direction we want people to move. When I point my finger at someone else to highlight their fault (whether or not it's true), I push them away. In contrast, when I point the finger at myself, admitting my own fault, I beckon other people to move closer to me.

Would our relationships possibly be stronger if we readily owned up to our own faults and sought forgiveness from people we hurt along the way?

For the Single Dads

Most of the posts on this blog tend to focus on men who are married with children. However, because I was a single father for 2 1/2 years after my first wife passed away, single dads always have a special place in my heart.

No matter what circumstances made you a single father, I want to give you some encouragement today. Whether you have your children all the time or you share custody with others, God has positioned you to have tremendous influence on your child or children. I want to encourage you to make the most of the opportunity you have.

There's no doubt: being a single parent is hard. Kids' needs are constant. Meeting those needs can be quite exhausting, especially if you're doing it alone. I recently reviewed a large number of e-mails I wrote during those years when I was a single dad, and to some of my most trusted family and friends I regularly vented frustrations with solo-parenting my two young children. In these e-mails I often sought affirmation of decisions I made, or advice on how to handle situations for which I could not find solutions - from bedtime battles to potty training to mealtime complaints.

Dear single dad, may I offer you some thoughts?

• Look to the Lord for help. God is our perfect Heavenly Father, and He is ready to help if you ask Him.
  

• Call on other people for advice. Our culture encourages fierce independence, but single parents cannot afford to muddle through this alone. Have a few trusted friends or family members that you can call or text or e-mail whenever you need advice.

• Spend time with good families. When in the presence of fellow parents you respect, learn all you can from the way they work with their children. Good parents will never mind your asking for words of wisdom. I gained many great ideas from wonderful fellow-parents all around me.

• If your parents were good role models, emulate them. If they were not, be honest about their shortcomings and learn from their mistakes. You may be the first God-honoring parent in your family lineage, so start a good pattern for future generations.

Being a single dad may not be easy, but you can do it. Some days it takes every ounce of energy just to survive through the day. But we really want to do much more than "get by." We want to follow Ephesians 6:4 and "bring [our children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." As you look to the Lord, He will give you the strength and grace to do this.