The pattern starts in early childhood. "Johnny, did you break this toy?" What is four-year-old Johnny's likely answer? "No," or "I was playing and it just broke," or "Tommy did it."
Indeed, children are naturally adept at blaming one another. Whenever I hear an argument among my children, they are quite skilled at pointing out one another's faults, and quite reluctant to admit any of their own faults.
As children grow, the finger-pointing may look a little more sophisticated, but it's still finger-pointing. "I wasn't really speeding - I was just going with the flow of traffic." "Everyone is talking bad about me." "My teacher didn't remind me about the test, so I got a bad grade." "My parents forgot to give me money for the field trip." "Well how was I supposed to know that was due today?" "My boss totally made up lies about me so he could fire me."
Do you see how seldom the finger points toward self? It's too busy pointing at others' faults.
Let's be honest: none of us can really get off the hook here, can we? How often is the "problem" really "my wife's fault"? How often is someone else to blame when the checks bounce or the project misses its deadline? How often are the circumstances "beyond my control"?
Through years of counseling people in marriage issues and parent/child issues - not to mention raising my own children - I have seen a lot of finger-pointing. I have seen very little willingness to accept personal fault. "I'm sorry, I failed to complete this project on time." "I'm sorry, I should not have been so critical." "Please forgive me for being so unkind."
The finger points in the direction we want people to move. When I point my finger at someone else to highlight their fault (whether or not it's true), I push them away. In contrast, when I point the finger at myself, admitting my own fault, I beckon other people to move closer to me.
Would our relationships possibly be stronger if we readily owned up to our own faults and sought forgiveness from people we hurt along the way?
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