Loving When Prickly

In our marriages, we all have times when we become a bit prickly. A wife may draw back from her husband's gesture of tenderness. A husband may respond tersely to a simple question. Kind words are answered with words that are less than kind. A new topic of conversation is hindered by unresolved issues from a previous conversation.

If one spouse is prickly, it's very easy for the other spouse to become prickly in response. However, if you've tried that, you've probably learned (as I have) that this only makes things worse. Most often, both husband and wife descend into prickly solitude.

It's much better to deal with the prickliness and then move toward healthier interactions.

If I'm the one who is prickly, I have to work on my own attitude. I may need to take time to pray. I may need to humble myself before God and before my wife. I may need to confess some sin. I may need to take time to discern what is causing me to be prickly. No matter what, I want to soften my quills as quickly as possible so I can be a better husband.

If my wife is the one who is prickly, she will follow steps like this to deal with her own prickliness. As her husband, besides making sure I don't add to her prickliness by my own negative responses, I have found some very positive and loving ways I can help her.

• I can take time to patiently listen to my wife.  
• I may need to ask forgiveness for something I said or did, or for something I did not do but should have done.
• I can spend some uninterrupted time and attention with my wife. Her prickles may or may not have anything to do with me in particular, but as her husband my expressions of love and support will help her.
• I can offer some tender touch. If she's feeling lonely, I might rub her feet or massage her back. She may just need to snuggle in my arms for a while.
• I can speak some words of affirmation. If she's feeling down, or if she has been criticized, or if the kids' complaints have hurt her, she may need me to thank her for even some of the most mundane things she did during the day. She may need to hear again some of the many reasons I love and appreciate her.
• I can do something special for her. Perhaps I can take care of the kids so she can take an hour or so away from the demands of the house. Perhaps I can give her a night off from cooking or other household duties. 

These ideas are written from a man's perspective, but women who read this can switch the genders and apply these same thoughts toward helping their prickly husbands.

When our spouses get prickly, we want to reach out with tender actions and gracious words, showing great love and patience. After all, isn't that how God treats us? So often we turn away from Him, we bristle against His boundaries, we defiantly fold our arms or even shake our fist at Him - yet He continues to reach out to us in love and grace. Let's follow that model and show that kind of love to our spouses, too.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).

The Secret for Good Relationships

I have found the secret to maintaining good relationships.

It's not really a new secret. In fact, it's not really a "secret" it all, because it's been in the Bible for thousands of years. Still, as simple as it is to talk about, it is one of the most difficult things to put into practice.

This secret has two sides. One side is humble apology; the other side is complete forgiveness.

In every strong family I have seen, apology and forgiveness are practiced wholeheartedly and regularly. When one spouse messes up, he or she is quick to realize it and apologize with true humility. The other spouse then has the opportunity to practice biblical forgiveness, not counting the sin against their spouse any longer (as God does with us, see Jeremiah 31:34 and Hebrews 8:12). Parents are quick to forgive repentant children. Children have practiced apology and forgiveness regularly with their parents and with their siblings.

The converse is also true, and perhaps easier to see. In families with strained bonds or broken relationships, unforgiveness is almost always a major factor. The wife has a long mental list of her husband's past failings, which she recites in every current argument. The husband likewise can point out all his wife's character flaws with great precision. The children are regularly reminded of the things they always do wrong, and the children have maintained similar lists about their parents. Criticism is common throughout the household; forgiveness is not. These families are not healthy, to say the least.

If we want to have healthy marriages and families, we want to be known as people who are quick to confess our sins to one another (see James 5:16) and forgive one another (see Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:12-14). This is part of loving one another as Christ loved us (see Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19).

The concept is simple, but the practice may be a bit of a challenge. I should be the first to confess that I don't have this mastered in my own household. Still, it's the goal to which we should aspire. Think about it this way: are you more likely to spend time with a person who is gracious and forgiving, or a person who is harsh and critical? Of course, we would all prefer the former, in part because we don't have to worry about what might happen if we mess up. Doesn't it make sense then for each of us to make our home the place where forgiveness is practiced most generously?

I will extend this thought just a little further. As this blog focuses most on husbands and fathers, I will offer you a challenge that I also offer to myself. Men, let's lead the way in apology and forgiveness - with our spouses as well as with our children. Just as the Lord first demonstrated what true forgiveness really is, so too we should lead the way in demonstrating God-honoring humility and forgiveness in our homes. Will you join me in pursuing this priority?

Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Maintaining Purity in an Impure World

If we want our children to remain pure in this world, we as husbands and fathers want to be the first to set the example. What do we watch or listen to? What do we view when surfing the internet, especially when nobody is watching? What do we like to talk about or joke about? Is our example showing our kids how to be modest and pure, or is it communicating a different message?

Please allow me to offer a personal illustration. I have Celiac Disease. I will get sick if I ingest even a crumb of something with wheat (or other gluten) in it. At home I have my own peanut butter jar (so bread crumbs don't find their way into my peanut butter) and my own toaster (so crumbs of regular bread won't touch my gluten-free bread). At mealtimes our family is very careful not to "cross-contaminate" the food: to let a serving spoon touch something with gluten and then go back into a bowl of something I could otherwise eat. I am constantly alert about everything that enters my mouth. I wash my hands frequently so I don't accidentally ingest even a hint of gluten. The cost of making a mistake is very high, so I exercise constant caution.

The same vigilance is needed in the area of moral purity. I don't want even a crumb of something immoral to come into my mind through my eyes or ears. The consequences are huge and hurtful. I want to guard myself constantly to maintain purity.

As hard as it is for me to guard myself in what I eat physically, it is even harder to guard my eyes and ears from so many impurities all around me. I spend a lot of time on the internet, so I am constantly in danger of seeing or hearing things that I shouldn't see or hear. I have to be on my guard at all times.

Keeping morally pure is vital to us as believers in Christ. We want to remain unstained from the world (see James 1:27). As I tell my kids often, once you see something, you cannot ever "un-see" it.

A trusted Christian researcher has put together some new statistics about internet pornography, teen sexual behavior, and the unique challenges that come with the proliferation of smart phones and tablet devices. I recommend you look at Josh McDowell's new website: www.just1clickaway.org.

I should clarify something: I personally use many technological tools in my work. I am not against using them, but I know the importance of keeping good boundaries for myself, and teaching my children to keep good boundaries as well.

How are you doing? Are you keeping strong standards of moral purity? Or do you need to make some changes today?