Candle Time - Connecting with One Another in Marriage

At one period in our marriage, my wife and I were trying to manage life with two jobs and four children, and everyone else's needs always seemed to trump our own. Our calendar was impossibly full with activities every day of the week. It seemed that every conversation we started was interrupted by a phone call or a child's need. At other times we never even began the conversation because we were simply too tired for productive interaction. 

Can you relate?

We reached a point at which we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. We weren't arguing, nor were we headed toward any kind of split. But we just existed from moment to moment, managing the most urgent needs, and feeling more and more disconnected. Neither of us was content with this state, but neither of us knew how to make any changes to improve our marriage.

We sought the input of a counselor, who made some suggestions for how to prioritize time together. We adapted those suggestions, and I want to share one key thing we found to be most helpful in reviving our marriage.

A few days a week, we would go into the living room by ourselves, and light a candle on the end table. This lit candle signaled to our kids, "We love you, but we are taking this time for just the two of us." We told our children they should leave us totally alone when that candle was lit, and only interrupt us if there was gushing blood and a 911 call in progress. If they interrupted us, the penalty was something along the lines of having to make everyone's bed every day for a month. It was not really punishment, but it successfully communicated that they should respect the lit candle and leave us alone with each other.

During these Candle Times, we would not touch our phones (except maybe to look at our digital calendar for something once in a while). We would look into each other's eyes and ask, "How are you really doing?" We would talk about things that brought us joy, and things that brought us frustrations. We would talk about a decision we needed to make together. The topic of each conversation varied, but the major emphasis was that we CONNECTED with one another.

Candle Times sometimes lasted ten minutes, sometimes an hour, depending on the needs of that day. Some weeks we did Candle Time two days; other weeks needed Candle Time almost every day. We did not want to hurry through that time, because this time was a priority for us.

After doing this for a couple weeks, our kids began to observe that when we emerged from "Candle Time," we were in a better place emotionally to be able to invest in meeting their needs. After a few months of this, we didn't even need to light the candle; if a child saw us talking together, they would gently ask, "Is the candle lit?" If we said "yes," they held their question until we were done.

Taking this time together was vital in deepening our marriage. Husbands and wives need time together to connect and talk about more than the calendar and the kids. Whether you use "Candle Time" or another method, I encourage you to take time with your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. By investing time with one another like this, you show each other that the person you're married to is the most important person in your life.

Nurturing our Marriages

  If I plant a flower bed and then do nothing to maintain it, in only a short time it will start to look really bad. Weeds will take over, flowers will wilt, and before long that flower bed will be full of stuff that's either ugly or dead.

Our marriages are much the same. If we want our marriages to be alive and strong, we want to invest in them. Here are six ways we can nurture our marriage relationships:

1. Nurture with CHRIST. As husband and wife draw closer to Christ, we also draw closer to each other. When Christ is at the center of our relationship, we have His help to face any challenge that comes.

2. Nurture with COMMUNICATION. Good communication is essential in any healthy relationship, but even more in marriage. We want to take time to talk together, dream together, work out problems together, and share our innermost thoughts with each other. We want to take time to listen to each other and understand each other.

3. Nurture with CARING and COMPASSION. We read in 1 Corinthians 13:4 that love is kind. When we are kind to one another, that strengthens our marriage. The opposite is also true: when we are unkind to one another, that harms our marriage. Let's seek to be kind to one another even at those moments when it may be difficult.

4. Nurture with CONTENTMENT. When we spend our time thanking God for what we have rather than complaining about what we do not have - this is contentment. When we are content with our spouse, we won't want to look to other people to provide the things that only our spouse should provide. When we are content with what we have, we (individually or together as a couple) won't waste our energy looking elsewhere for something we THINK might make us more happy. We want to be content in the here and now.

5. Nurture with CONFESSION. Confession, and its close partner forgiveness, are foundational to a healthy marriage. I want to be quick to confess when I have wronged my wife. And I want to be quick to forgive her when she confesses something to me. If I am quick to apologize, then my wife is free to forgive, and we can move past those unkind words I said or that thoughtless thing I did.

6. Nurture with COOPERATION. It takes time to feel like we are truly "one" in a biblical sense - intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Marriage is always a "work in progress," but it's a wonderful thing when husband and wife are working together, under the headship of Christ, to become all that God wants us to be.

May these words encourage you as you nurture your own marriage and make it grow.

Praying WITH and FOR our Families

As Christians, we know prayer is important. We tell others that prayer is important in our lives. But how good are we at actually PRAYING?

Do you agree that prayer is powerful and effective? If you are uncertain, here are the words of James 5:16: "…The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

Are we taking advantage of this tremendous power? Are we daily praying FOR the members of our family? Are we taking time to pray WITH our wives and children?

May I share some personal experiences?

*For too long I was timid about asking my wife if we could pray together. Wise friends of ours reminded us of the need to pray together daily. Since then we have been much better about praying together almost every night. In doing this, our hearts have been drawn together and God's power has been unleashed in our marriage and our family. We pray together for our work, our children, our finances, our extended family members, and so much more. We miss some nights here and there, and when we do, we feel it, and we quickly return to praying together again.

*My children will often share stories from the day, including challenges or problems they are facing. I always take time to listen and to help them think through the issue. Sometimes (I wish it were all the time) I am good about leading them to the Lord in prayer, committing the issue to Him and seeking His solution. The times I have prayed with them have turned out much better than the times I haven't. And my children are beginning to learn to go to God with their problems, which is a lifetime pattern I want them to follow.

*Every morning before school our family gathers for 10-15 minutes to read a few verses of Scripture and pray together for our day. We have a notebook of pictures: one part has pictures of our relatives; the other has pictures of missionaries for whom we've committed to pray. Every day, in addition to praying for ourselves, we pray for one person or family from this notebook. We don't succeed in doing this every day, but I'm very happy if we make four out of five. We have seen some great blessings out of this daily time together.

Men, our prayers don't have to be long to be effective. Even a prayer of "Please help me, Lord!" is something our Heavenly Father loves to hear from His children. We don't have to pray the "right" words to "get God to do what we want Him to do." All we have to do is lay our hearts before God. Sometimes I have prayed, "Lord, I'm not even sure how to pray for this, but I ask you to work in this situation and bring about what is best in Your eyes." And God answers these prayers.

Will you join me in committing to pray regularly WITH and FOR our wives and children?

How's Your Serve?

Men, if we want to have great marriages and strong families, we may need to work on our serve.

Am I serving my wife well? Am I taking time to listen to her? Am I conscientious about meeting her needs? Am I careful to avoid doing things that frustrate or marginalize her? See 1 Peter 3:7.

Am I serving my kids well? Am I disengaging from work so I can spend time with my kids? Am I turning off the television and the electronic devices so I can listen to them with my eyes as well as my ears? Am I asking questions about their lives and spending time doing things that are important to them? See Ephesians 6:4.

I have to admit: I still have a LONG way to go when it comes to improving my "serve." Maybe you do, too. If so, men, will you join me in committing to serve our wives and children a little better this week?

Do you remember what Jesus said about His purpose in coming to earth? In Mark 10:45 we read His words: "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." I want to follow Jesus' example and serve my family well. Will you do the same?

Finger Pointing

By nature we are great at pointing fingers of blame.

The pattern starts in early childhood. "Johnny, did you break this toy?" What is four-year-old Johnny's likely answer? "No," or "I was playing and it just broke," or "Tommy did it."

Indeed, children are naturally adept at blaming one another. Whenever I hear an argument among my children, they are quite skilled at pointing out one another's faults, and quite reluctant to admit any of their own faults.

As children grow, the finger-pointing may look a little more sophisticated, but it's still finger-pointing. "I wasn't really speeding - I was just going with the flow of traffic." "Everyone is talking bad about me." "My teacher didn't remind me about the test, so I got a bad grade." "My parents forgot to give me money for the field trip." "Well how was I supposed to know that was due today?" "My boss totally made up lies about me so he could fire me."

Do you see how seldom the finger points toward self? It's too busy pointing at others' faults.

Let's be honest: none of us can really get off the hook here, can we? How often is the "problem" really "my wife's fault"? How often is someone else to blame when the checks bounce or the project misses its deadline? How often are the circumstances "beyond my control"?

Through years of counseling people in marriage issues and parent/child issues - not to mention raising my own children - I have seen a lot of finger-pointing. I have seen very little willingness to accept personal fault. "I'm sorry, I failed to complete this project on time." "I'm sorry, I should not have been so critical." "Please forgive me for being so unkind."

The finger points in the direction we want people to move. When I point my finger at someone else to highlight their fault (whether or not it's true), I push them away. In contrast, when I point the finger at myself, admitting my own fault, I beckon other people to move closer to me.

Would our relationships possibly be stronger if we readily owned up to our own faults and sought forgiveness from people we hurt along the way?

Loving When Prickly

In our marriages, we all have times when we become a bit prickly. A wife may draw back from her husband's gesture of tenderness. A husband may respond tersely to a simple question. Kind words are answered with words that are less than kind. A new topic of conversation is hindered by unresolved issues from a previous conversation.

If one spouse is prickly, it's very easy for the other spouse to become prickly in response. However, if you've tried that, you've probably learned (as I have) that this only makes things worse. Most often, both husband and wife descend into prickly solitude.

It's much better to deal with the prickliness and then move toward healthier interactions.

If I'm the one who is prickly, I have to work on my own attitude. I may need to take time to pray. I may need to humble myself before God and before my wife. I may need to confess some sin. I may need to take time to discern what is causing me to be prickly. No matter what, I want to soften my quills as quickly as possible so I can be a better husband.

If my wife is the one who is prickly, she will follow steps like this to deal with her own prickliness. As her husband, besides making sure I don't add to her prickliness by my own negative responses, I have found some very positive and loving ways I can help her.

• I can take time to patiently listen to my wife.  
• I may need to ask forgiveness for something I said or did, or for something I did not do but should have done.
• I can spend some uninterrupted time and attention with my wife. Her prickles may or may not have anything to do with me in particular, but as her husband my expressions of love and support will help her.
• I can offer some tender touch. If she's feeling lonely, I might rub her feet or massage her back. She may just need to snuggle in my arms for a while.
• I can speak some words of affirmation. If she's feeling down, or if she has been criticized, or if the kids' complaints have hurt her, she may need me to thank her for even some of the most mundane things she did during the day. She may need to hear again some of the many reasons I love and appreciate her.
• I can do something special for her. Perhaps I can take care of the kids so she can take an hour or so away from the demands of the house. Perhaps I can give her a night off from cooking or other household duties. 

These ideas are written from a man's perspective, but women who read this can switch the genders and apply these same thoughts toward helping their prickly husbands.

When our spouses get prickly, we want to reach out with tender actions and gracious words, showing great love and patience. After all, isn't that how God treats us? So often we turn away from Him, we bristle against His boundaries, we defiantly fold our arms or even shake our fist at Him - yet He continues to reach out to us in love and grace. Let's follow that model and show that kind of love to our spouses, too.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).

The Secret for Good Relationships

I have found the secret to maintaining good relationships.

It's not really a new secret. In fact, it's not really a "secret" it all, because it's been in the Bible for thousands of years. Still, as simple as it is to talk about, it is one of the most difficult things to put into practice.

This secret has two sides. One side is humble apology; the other side is complete forgiveness.

In every strong family I have seen, apology and forgiveness are practiced wholeheartedly and regularly. When one spouse messes up, he or she is quick to realize it and apologize with true humility. The other spouse then has the opportunity to practice biblical forgiveness, not counting the sin against their spouse any longer (as God does with us, see Jeremiah 31:34 and Hebrews 8:12). Parents are quick to forgive repentant children. Children have practiced apology and forgiveness regularly with their parents and with their siblings.

The converse is also true, and perhaps easier to see. In families with strained bonds or broken relationships, unforgiveness is almost always a major factor. The wife has a long mental list of her husband's past failings, which she recites in every current argument. The husband likewise can point out all his wife's character flaws with great precision. The children are regularly reminded of the things they always do wrong, and the children have maintained similar lists about their parents. Criticism is common throughout the household; forgiveness is not. These families are not healthy, to say the least.

If we want to have healthy marriages and families, we want to be known as people who are quick to confess our sins to one another (see James 5:16) and forgive one another (see Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:12-14). This is part of loving one another as Christ loved us (see Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19).

The concept is simple, but the practice may be a bit of a challenge. I should be the first to confess that I don't have this mastered in my own household. Still, it's the goal to which we should aspire. Think about it this way: are you more likely to spend time with a person who is gracious and forgiving, or a person who is harsh and critical? Of course, we would all prefer the former, in part because we don't have to worry about what might happen if we mess up. Doesn't it make sense then for each of us to make our home the place where forgiveness is practiced most generously?

I will extend this thought just a little further. As this blog focuses most on husbands and fathers, I will offer you a challenge that I also offer to myself. Men, let's lead the way in apology and forgiveness - with our spouses as well as with our children. Just as the Lord first demonstrated what true forgiveness really is, so too we should lead the way in demonstrating God-honoring humility and forgiveness in our homes. Will you join me in pursuing this priority?

Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Three Phrases to Bless our Wives and Strengthen our Homes

Here are three phrases that will bless our wives and strengthen our marriages. They are words that are not to be spoken frivolously, but we should say them often, even many times a day.

* "I love you." Too often we assume our wives know this, and that it doesn't need to be said again. But these words should be said daily to our wives. To counter the pain from any critical words we say, the words "I love you," spoken with deep sincerity while looking her in the eye, breathe fresh life into our marriages.

* "I'm sorry...please forgive me." I have many opportunities to say these words. I make my biggest mistakes at home, and home is the place I have to practice these humble words most often. More than just "I'm sorry," adding "please forgive me" invites a necessary response from my wife. Will she indeed actively forgive me for whatever I said or did? Then will she choose not to remember it against me, just as the Lord chooses not to remember our forgiven sin against us? (Men, we also need to practice this same kind of forgiveness toward our wives!)

* "Thank you for _____." More than just a general word of thanks, it is good to be specific. My wife needs to hear very specific things for which I am thankful; these words communicate love and appreciation to the very depths of her heart. Thank you for the extra time you spent to prepare this wonderful meal. Thank you for being so patient with the overtime hours I spent at work. Thank you for taking the children to the pool today. Thank you for cleaning up that corner I had hoped to clean before now. Thank you for ______ -- there is an endless list of things I'm thankful that my wife does. For her benefit, I need to say it to her often.

May these simple phrases bless your wife as you practice them in your marriage. These are good words to use regularly with our children, too.

By God's grace, may our homes be filled with encouraging words that reflect His love to our wives and children.