A few nights ago my wife and I took our two oldest children, now ages 10 and 12, out to a nice dinner. Lately they have been asking us why we discipline them the way we do, why we make them do chores, why we hold high expectations for their behavior, and why we deal strongly with sinful issues that arise. We wanted to take time to talk with them, knowing that at their ages, they now need to know a little more of the "why" behind what we do.
We talked together about what we want them to look like when they leave our home. What character traits and values do we most want them to have at age 18?
This is a good question for every parent to answer about their children at all ages, and the discussion should probably begin to include the children when they reach pre-teen years. What do we want our kids to look like when they complete High School?
Here is my list, as it currently stands (though it may be modified as the kids continue to grow):
1. To love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30)
2. To exhibit the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)
3. To remain unstained by sin and the yuck of this world (James 1:27, Matthew 10:16, Romans 16:19)
4. To be honest, trustworthy, and full of integrity (Psalm 26:11, Titus 2:7-8)
5. To be kind and respectful to authority figures, to one another, and to everyone else they know (Ephesians 4:32, Romans 13:1-5)
6. To value hard work and financial responsibility (Colossians 3:23, 1 Timothy 6:6-10)
Once we have a list of our goals, we can ask the next level of questions: "How do we get there? How does everything our family does move our children closer to these goals?" There's nothing wrong with playtime, fun activities, relaxing days, and vacations. I love to have fun with my family! But in the midst of everything I do, I want to keep these goals in mind, and let them affect the choices I make in a number of areas. Here are a few of them:
* The way we discipline them - A little lie is not really a little thing, if we want them to value honesty at all times. I need to lovingly take the time to address moments of dishonesty or times when they are unkind to one another, as well as the larger issues that may also arise.
* The way we encourage their friendships - We want to help them choose friends that will encourage them toward these goals, not pull them in a different direction. Of course, they need relationships with people they can affect for good, but their closest friends should be people who understand and respect these character values.
* The way we choose "free time" family activities - Ballgames, movies, books, video games, and other diversions are great fun, and can be helpful in proper balance with everything else. But if I have only a few short years to help my children learn how to be fully devoted to God, then I want to be strategic in finding ways to move my children toward these goals. Maybe some of our free days can be spent serving in a homeless shelter or helping one of our friends through a tough time.
* The way we plan the spiritual priorities of our family - If we want our kids to know the Bible, then we want to make sure we spend time reading the Bible ourselves, teaching it to our kids, and encouraging them to develop habits of reading the Bible for themselves. We want to pray for them and with them every day, and encourage them to develop personal habits of prayer.
* The priorities my wife and I have for ourselves - We want to be excellent models of these character traits, knowing that kids learn so much from their parents' example. We teach AND we model, because both are important. My wife and I are works in progress ourselves, and we mess up regularly; even when we mess up, we can help our children learn more about God's forgiveness and grace.
Our children belong to God, and we merely partner with Him in helping them become all He wants them to be. May God give us great grace to raise our children to love and serve Him wholeheartedly.
Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com
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