Candle Time - Connecting with One Another in Marriage

At one period in our marriage, my wife and I were trying to manage life with two jobs and four children, and everyone else's needs always seemed to trump our own. Our calendar was impossibly full with activities every day of the week. It seemed that every conversation we started was interrupted by a phone call or a child's need. At other times we never even began the conversation because we were simply too tired for productive interaction. 

Can you relate?

We reached a point at which we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. We weren't arguing, nor were we headed toward any kind of split. But we just existed from moment to moment, managing the most urgent needs, and feeling more and more disconnected. Neither of us was content with this state, but neither of us knew how to make any changes to improve our marriage.

We sought the input of a counselor, who made some suggestions for how to prioritize time together. We adapted those suggestions, and I want to share one key thing we found to be most helpful in reviving our marriage.

A few days a week, we would go into the living room by ourselves, and light a candle on the end table. This lit candle signaled to our kids, "We love you, but we are taking this time for just the two of us." We told our children they should leave us totally alone when that candle was lit, and only interrupt us if there was gushing blood and a 911 call in progress. If they interrupted us, the penalty was something along the lines of having to make everyone's bed every day for a month. It was not really punishment, but it successfully communicated that they should respect the lit candle and leave us alone with each other.

During these Candle Times, we would not touch our phones (except maybe to look at our digital calendar for something once in a while). We would look into each other's eyes and ask, "How are you really doing?" We would talk about things that brought us joy, and things that brought us frustrations. We would talk about a decision we needed to make together. The topic of each conversation varied, but the major emphasis was that we CONNECTED with one another.

Candle Times sometimes lasted ten minutes, sometimes an hour, depending on the needs of that day. Some weeks we did Candle Time two days; other weeks needed Candle Time almost every day. We did not want to hurry through that time, because this time was a priority for us.

After doing this for a couple weeks, our kids began to observe that when we emerged from "Candle Time," we were in a better place emotionally to be able to invest in meeting their needs. After a few months of this, we didn't even need to light the candle; if a child saw us talking together, they would gently ask, "Is the candle lit?" If we said "yes," they held their question until we were done.

Taking this time together was vital in deepening our marriage. Husbands and wives need time together to connect and talk about more than the calendar and the kids. Whether you use "Candle Time" or another method, I encourage you to take time with your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. By investing time with one another like this, you show each other that the person you're married to is the most important person in your life.

Nurturing our Marriages

  If I plant a flower bed and then do nothing to maintain it, in only a short time it will start to look really bad. Weeds will take over, flowers will wilt, and before long that flower bed will be full of stuff that's either ugly or dead.

Our marriages are much the same. If we want our marriages to be alive and strong, we want to invest in them. Here are six ways we can nurture our marriage relationships:

1. Nurture with CHRIST. As husband and wife draw closer to Christ, we also draw closer to each other. When Christ is at the center of our relationship, we have His help to face any challenge that comes.

2. Nurture with COMMUNICATION. Good communication is essential in any healthy relationship, but even more in marriage. We want to take time to talk together, dream together, work out problems together, and share our innermost thoughts with each other. We want to take time to listen to each other and understand each other.

3. Nurture with CARING and COMPASSION. We read in 1 Corinthians 13:4 that love is kind. When we are kind to one another, that strengthens our marriage. The opposite is also true: when we are unkind to one another, that harms our marriage. Let's seek to be kind to one another even at those moments when it may be difficult.

4. Nurture with CONTENTMENT. When we spend our time thanking God for what we have rather than complaining about what we do not have - this is contentment. When we are content with our spouse, we won't want to look to other people to provide the things that only our spouse should provide. When we are content with what we have, we (individually or together as a couple) won't waste our energy looking elsewhere for something we THINK might make us more happy. We want to be content in the here and now.

5. Nurture with CONFESSION. Confession, and its close partner forgiveness, are foundational to a healthy marriage. I want to be quick to confess when I have wronged my wife. And I want to be quick to forgive her when she confesses something to me. If I am quick to apologize, then my wife is free to forgive, and we can move past those unkind words I said or that thoughtless thing I did.

6. Nurture with COOPERATION. It takes time to feel like we are truly "one" in a biblical sense - intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Marriage is always a "work in progress," but it's a wonderful thing when husband and wife are working together, under the headship of Christ, to become all that God wants us to be.

May these words encourage you as you nurture your own marriage and make it grow.

Is Anyone Paying Attention?

As a blogger and author, I have written tons of materials and put them "out there" for the world to see.

Sometimes I wonder…does anyone really read my stuff? Am I doing any good? Does anyone even notice me? Sometimes I feel like I'm shouting into a vast, dark space, and hearing nothing but the sound of my own voice. I fear that nobody is paying attention to me, and my words are being treated as…well…insignificant. If nobody is reading the stuff I've written, they aren't getting any benefit from what I've communicated.

I was praying about this yesterday, and the Lord graciously turned it into a life-lesson for me. He reminded me that He has written a Book for me to read, so I can better understand Him and all He wants for me. Am I paying attention to what He's written?

How are we doing in this area? Are we listening to God through reading His Word and following the leading of His Holy Spirit? Or are we essentially ignoring Him and going about our daily lives, completely unaffected by what He has communicated to us?

I suspect we can all do a little better in this area. Let's start today.

God's blessings to you,
Brian Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com

How's Your Serve?

Men, if we want to have great marriages and strong families, we may need to work on our serve.

Am I serving my wife well? Am I taking time to listen to her? Am I conscientious about meeting her needs? Am I careful to avoid doing things that frustrate or marginalize her? See 1 Peter 3:7.

Am I serving my kids well? Am I disengaging from work so I can spend time with my kids? Am I turning off the television and the electronic devices so I can listen to them with my eyes as well as my ears? Am I asking questions about their lives and spending time doing things that are important to them? See Ephesians 6:4.

I have to admit: I still have a LONG way to go when it comes to improving my "serve." Maybe you do, too. If so, men, will you join me in committing to serve our wives and children a little better this week?

Do you remember what Jesus said about His purpose in coming to earth? In Mark 10:45 we read His words: "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." I want to follow Jesus' example and serve my family well. Will you do the same?

Maintaining Purity in an Impure World

If we want our children to remain pure in this world, we as husbands and fathers want to be the first to set the example. What do we watch or listen to? What do we view when surfing the internet, especially when nobody is watching? What do we like to talk about or joke about? Is our example showing our kids how to be modest and pure, or is it communicating a different message?

Please allow me to offer a personal illustration. I have Celiac Disease. I will get sick if I ingest even a crumb of something with wheat (or other gluten) in it. At home I have my own peanut butter jar (so bread crumbs don't find their way into my peanut butter) and my own toaster (so crumbs of regular bread won't touch my gluten-free bread). At mealtimes our family is very careful not to "cross-contaminate" the food: to let a serving spoon touch something with gluten and then go back into a bowl of something I could otherwise eat. I am constantly alert about everything that enters my mouth. I wash my hands frequently so I don't accidentally ingest even a hint of gluten. The cost of making a mistake is very high, so I exercise constant caution.

The same vigilance is needed in the area of moral purity. I don't want even a crumb of something immoral to come into my mind through my eyes or ears. The consequences are huge and hurtful. I want to guard myself constantly to maintain purity.

As hard as it is for me to guard myself in what I eat physically, it is even harder to guard my eyes and ears from so many impurities all around me. I spend a lot of time on the internet, so I am constantly in danger of seeing or hearing things that I shouldn't see or hear. I have to be on my guard at all times.

Keeping morally pure is vital to us as believers in Christ. We want to remain unstained from the world (see James 1:27). As I tell my kids often, once you see something, you cannot ever "un-see" it.

A trusted Christian researcher has put together some new statistics about internet pornography, teen sexual behavior, and the unique challenges that come with the proliferation of smart phones and tablet devices. I recommend you look at Josh McDowell's new website: www.just1clickaway.org.

I should clarify something: I personally use many technological tools in my work. I am not against using them, but I know the importance of keeping good boundaries for myself, and teaching my children to keep good boundaries as well.

How are you doing? Are you keeping strong standards of moral purity? Or do you need to make some changes today?

Goals for Our Kids

A few nights ago my wife and I took our two oldest children, now ages 10 and 12, out to a nice dinner. Lately they have been asking us why we discipline them the way we do, why we make them do chores, why we hold high expectations for their behavior, and why we deal strongly with sinful issues that arise. We wanted to take time to talk with them, knowing that at their ages, they now need to know a little more of the "why" behind what we do.

We talked together about what we want them to look like when they leave our home. What character traits and values do we most want them to have at age 18?

This is a good question for every parent to answer about their children at all ages, and the discussion should probably begin to include the children when they reach pre-teen years. What do we want our kids to look like when they complete High School?

Here is my list, as it currently stands (though it may be modified as the kids continue to grow):

1. To love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30)

2. To exhibit the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)

3. To remain unstained by sin and the yuck of this world (James 1:27, Matthew 10:16, Romans 16:19)

4. To be honest, trustworthy, and full of integrity (Psalm 26:11, Titus 2:7-8)

5. To be kind and respectful to authority figures, to one another, and to everyone else they know (Ephesians 4:32, Romans 13:1-5)

6. To value hard work and financial responsibility (Colossians 3:23, 1 Timothy 6:6-10)


Once we have a list of our goals, we can ask the next level of questions: "How do we get there? How does everything our family does move our children closer to these goals?" There's nothing wrong with playtime, fun activities, relaxing days, and vacations. I love to have fun with my family! But in the midst of everything I do, I want to keep these goals in mind, and let them affect the choices I make in a number of areas. Here are a few of them:

* The way we discipline them - A little lie is not really a little thing, if we want them to value honesty at all times. I need to lovingly take the time to address moments of dishonesty or times when they are unkind to one another, as well as the larger issues that may also arise.

* The way we encourage their friendships - We want to help them choose friends that will encourage them toward these goals, not pull them in a different direction. Of course, they need relationships with people they can affect for good, but their closest friends should be people who understand and respect these character values.

* The way we choose "free time" family activities - Ballgames, movies, books, video games, and other diversions are great fun, and can be helpful in proper balance with everything else. But if I have only a few short years to help my children learn how to be fully devoted to God, then I want to be strategic in finding ways to move my children toward these goals. Maybe some of our free days can be spent serving in a homeless shelter or helping one of our friends through a tough time.

* The way we plan the spiritual priorities of our family - If we want our kids to know the Bible, then we want to make sure we spend time reading the Bible ourselves, teaching it to our kids, and encouraging them to develop habits of reading the Bible for themselves. We want to pray for them and with them every day, and encourage them to develop personal habits of prayer.

* The priorities my wife and I have for ourselves - We want to be excellent models of these character traits, knowing that kids learn so much from their parents' example. We teach AND we model, because both are important. My wife and I are works in progress ourselves, and we mess up regularly; even when we mess up, we can help our children learn more about God's forgiveness and grace.


Our children belong to God, and we merely partner with Him in helping them become all He wants them to be. May God give us great grace to raise our children to love and serve Him wholeheartedly.

Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com

An All-The-Time Job

"Dad! Dad! Dad! Daddy!" One day in the car I had heard the name "Dad" so many times that I raised my voice and said, "I'm changing my name! For the next hour my name is not Dad!"

My young children were stunned. After a moment of silence, one of them asked, "So what is your name?"

"I'm not going to tell you!" I responded, still a bit frustrated.

That worked for about another minute, and that was about all the break I had.

Being a God-honoring Dad is an all-the-time job. We don't get to clock out and then go do something else. We're "on the clock" 24/7.

Deuteronomy 6:7 tells us a little about the all-the-time nature of parenting, especially how we are to teach the words of God to our children:

"You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

That sounds like "all the time" to me. We are always working; we are always on call. This is God's divine assignment to parents. Do you know why? It's because our children learn not only by the things we say, but by the lives we live. These words of Scripture follow two verses (Deuteronomy 6:5-6) that put the command into a clearer context:

"You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart."

So it's not just instructing them all the time - we're not just telling them what to do. Yes, we're always teaching, but even more we're teaching them by our lives. We are teaching by the example we set, by the way we love the Lord and live for Him. 

Little eyes and ears always see and hear. When we're at work, our children know that we are dedicated to our jobs, and that working hard is a way we honor God. When we are sleeping, our children learn that God intends for us to take times of rest. As we worship with our families in church, our children learn how to worship. And we cannot be fooled: even little sins we think are "hidden" may still be noticed and emulated by our children.

Being a God-honoring Dad is an all-the-time job. But we also have an all-the-time Heavenly Father to Whom we can turn for help as we teach our children by word and by example.

"Quality Time" or "Quantity Time"?

I have heard men say, "I don't get a lot of time with my family, but I do get a lot of quality time." By this, they mean they try to make their time at home fun for the family, with engaging activities that make lifelong memories. This is not a bad thought, per se.

But let me ask you this: if your son spends most of his time during the day without you, and then you come home and read him a book before bedtime, do you think he will feel great joy in this? Reading the book is great quality time, but is it enough?

Through my own successes and failures I have learned that my wife and children don't just need quality time, they need quantity time. They need my presence with them at dinnertime, on weekends, and at school events. They need me to take them to church every Sunday. They need me to pray with them and read the Bible with them. This takes lots of time, but it's worth it.

When I spend unhurried time with my wife, those hours are priceless for communication and depth in our relationship. When I spend unhurried time with my children, I hear about the joys and struggles of the school day, I hear about friendships that are going well and friendships that are strained, and I hear about their hopes and dreams.

"Quantity Time" is my goal. It's not always easy, but it is the right thing to do.

As I write this, I must confess one personal failing point: I am easily distracted by electronic gadgets. My phone rings at inconvenient times. My e-mails come right to my smart phone. I am often on the computer trying to write articles like this. To the thought of having "Quantity Time" with our families, I should hasten to add this: we need unplugged time. We need times when the gadgets are left in another room while we read the Bible, talk about life-issues, pray, and play together.

Will you join me in a commitment to spend "Quantity Time" with our wives and children?