The Long Break, and the Joys and Challenges of Adoption

Perhaps you've noticed that my blogs have been a bit quiet lately. For this I do apologize, and hope you'll allow me to explain this long break.

My wife and I have recently adopted an eleven-year-old son, and are working diligently to integrate him into our family that includes three other children. We know the Lord has led us down this path, but the way is filled with joys and challenges.

God doesn't call us to follow the easy path; He calls us to follow the path that He will bless.

We are embracing the joys and challenges, but in order to focus on my family I have stepped back from writing for the last several months. I continue to serve the pastoral role to which the Lord has called me. Now, from this point forward, I plan to resume my semi-regular blogging. My goal remains the same: "Relating biblical truth to everyday life, to draw people closer to Christ."

God's blessings to you. I'll write more soon.

Footprints For Our Kids

On a snowy Sunday morning, my pre-teen son and I went to church early. I parked in the back of the lot, far from the building, and my son followed me across the snow-covered lot.

From behind I heard him say, "Hey, Dad, I'm following in your footsteps!" I looked behind to see that he was stepping carefully into each footprint I had made.

Playfully, I started walking erratically. A quick step to the side, followed by a huge jump forward, then a lunge in the other direction. From behind I heard the grunts of my son, still trying to match my every step as he leapt from each footprint to the next.

In that moment I thought about the footprints we leave for our children. If they "follow in our footsteps," are we leaving steps that are easy to follow, and that will lead them to good places?

Fellow fathers, are we walking the path to the Cross, so they can see what genuine faith in Jesus Christ looks like? Are we demonstrating how to follow paths of integrity, honesty, kindness, and love? Or are our footsteps leading to some places we know we should not go, and we do not want them to go either?

Let's leave footprints for our kids that help guide them in the right ways. The Good Shepherd "leads me in paths of righteousness" (Psalm 23:3). I pray that He helps me to lead my children in righteous paths, and, fellow father, I pray that He helps you too.

Running Over the Bike

My three-year-old son had begun to outgrow his first little bicycle. I decided to take my kids out just to LOOK at new bikes and see how much they might cost.

I began to back the van out of the garage and suddenly heard a startling thump. I stopped, jumped out of the van, and looked behind it. My son's little bike was now partially under the back bumper, slightly twisted but clearly beyond repair. Suddenly our trip was no longer about LOOKING for a new bike; we needed to BUY a new bike.

At the time I mentally gave myself the "Bad Dad of the Day" award. Now that I look back I just laugh (my kids laugh too).

Fellow fathers, let's be honest: we are imperfect parents! We make all kinds of mistakes. Can we offer grace to ourselves to confess the mistakes of yesterday (or even just a few minutes ago) and start again with a renewed commitment to be the best fathers we can be?

Dandelions, Scribbles, and Love

Our children have always enjoyed giving gifts to their mother and me. When they were very young, they proudly gave us pieces of paper filled with scribbles; we lovingly displayed these scribbles on the refrigerator for all to enjoy.

Our youngest daughter is now five, and most recently she has taken great delight in presenting bouquets of dandelions to my wife. She proudly arranges the yellow flowers in a little vase and presents them with joy.

It is age-appropriate for a five-year-old to show her love for her parents by giving them dandelions and scribbled pictures. As her parents, we receive these gifts of love with pleasure.

As children grow, their expressions of love grow as well. Our older children, ages 11 and 13, no longer give us dandelions or scribbles. They express their love through hugs, gifts, kind deeds, and thoughtful words. If our older children were to present dandelions as expressions of love, my wife and I might wonder if they were showing genuine love or just playing a game.

We know that our children will continue to mature in their expressions of love as they grow older. As always, the love they show will be gratefully received by their parents.

This makes me think about the way I show my love to my Heavenly Father. When I was very young in faith, God was delighted with my scribbles and dandelions - various childlike gifts of love and faith. My early steps of obedience brought Him glory. My elementary worship delighted His heart. My little coins in the offering basket honored Him. He patiently listened to my simple prayers.

But now that I've grown in faith and in the knowledge of Him over many years, I ask myself: have my expressions of love matured as well?

Fellow Christian, I pose the same question to you.

"For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome" (1 John 5:3).

Great Resources for Dads

As fathers, we want to help our children think through the many social, spiritual, and emotional issues they will face. How do we help them think biblically about peer pressure, internet usage, and a myriad of questions about dating and sex?

I have found some valuable resources that have blessed and equipped me to be a better father. Before I share them with you, I want to tell you that I am NOT receiving anything from promoting these resources. I am highlighting them simply because I've found them to be very helpful to me as a parent.

* www.just1clickaway.org - This site contains research by Josh McDowell about internet usage in our day and time. His well-researched statistics stunned me and helped me think about how I can help my own children stay safe online. [Additional note: On this site, I highly recommend you click on the "Resources" tab and then watch the video in the center of that screen. This is a talk Josh gave last year to the American Association of Christian Counselors and it is full of tremendous information for parents as well as other adults who work with teens.]

* The Bare Facts - This is a DVD and book resource from Josh McDowell. Again, he has done tremendous research, and has written this book primarily to teens (though I suggest parents should read/view it with their teens), covering a wide range of questions today's youth might ask about sex. (This resource can also be ordered from other places, including Amazon and Barnes&Noble.)

* Interviewing Your Daughter's Date - This book by Dennis Rainey (Family Life) has some great thoughts for Dads who have daughters approaching the dating age. This resource is also available on Amazon and Barnes&Noble and Christian Book Distributors.

If you're looking for more, you can find a number of great resources from Family Life and Focus on the Family and the National Fatherhood Initiative.

I pray these resources bless, encourage, and equip you and me, as we all seek to raise God-honoring kids.

Praying WITH and FOR our Families

As Christians, we know prayer is important. We tell others that prayer is important in our lives. But how good are we at actually PRAYING?

Do you agree that prayer is powerful and effective? If you are uncertain, here are the words of James 5:16: "…The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

Are we taking advantage of this tremendous power? Are we daily praying FOR the members of our family? Are we taking time to pray WITH our wives and children?

May I share some personal experiences?

*For too long I was timid about asking my wife if we could pray together. Wise friends of ours reminded us of the need to pray together daily. Since then we have been much better about praying together almost every night. In doing this, our hearts have been drawn together and God's power has been unleashed in our marriage and our family. We pray together for our work, our children, our finances, our extended family members, and so much more. We miss some nights here and there, and when we do, we feel it, and we quickly return to praying together again.

*My children will often share stories from the day, including challenges or problems they are facing. I always take time to listen and to help them think through the issue. Sometimes (I wish it were all the time) I am good about leading them to the Lord in prayer, committing the issue to Him and seeking His solution. The times I have prayed with them have turned out much better than the times I haven't. And my children are beginning to learn to go to God with their problems, which is a lifetime pattern I want them to follow.

*Every morning before school our family gathers for 10-15 minutes to read a few verses of Scripture and pray together for our day. We have a notebook of pictures: one part has pictures of our relatives; the other has pictures of missionaries for whom we've committed to pray. Every day, in addition to praying for ourselves, we pray for one person or family from this notebook. We don't succeed in doing this every day, but I'm very happy if we make four out of five. We have seen some great blessings out of this daily time together.

Men, our prayers don't have to be long to be effective. Even a prayer of "Please help me, Lord!" is something our Heavenly Father loves to hear from His children. We don't have to pray the "right" words to "get God to do what we want Him to do." All we have to do is lay our hearts before God. Sometimes I have prayed, "Lord, I'm not even sure how to pray for this, but I ask you to work in this situation and bring about what is best in Your eyes." And God answers these prayers.

Will you join me in committing to pray regularly WITH and FOR our wives and children?

How's Your Serve?

Men, if we want to have great marriages and strong families, we may need to work on our serve.

Am I serving my wife well? Am I taking time to listen to her? Am I conscientious about meeting her needs? Am I careful to avoid doing things that frustrate or marginalize her? See 1 Peter 3:7.

Am I serving my kids well? Am I disengaging from work so I can spend time with my kids? Am I turning off the television and the electronic devices so I can listen to them with my eyes as well as my ears? Am I asking questions about their lives and spending time doing things that are important to them? See Ephesians 6:4.

I have to admit: I still have a LONG way to go when it comes to improving my "serve." Maybe you do, too. If so, men, will you join me in committing to serve our wives and children a little better this week?

Do you remember what Jesus said about His purpose in coming to earth? In Mark 10:45 we read His words: "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." I want to follow Jesus' example and serve my family well. Will you do the same?

Finger Pointing

By nature we are great at pointing fingers of blame.

The pattern starts in early childhood. "Johnny, did you break this toy?" What is four-year-old Johnny's likely answer? "No," or "I was playing and it just broke," or "Tommy did it."

Indeed, children are naturally adept at blaming one another. Whenever I hear an argument among my children, they are quite skilled at pointing out one another's faults, and quite reluctant to admit any of their own faults.

As children grow, the finger-pointing may look a little more sophisticated, but it's still finger-pointing. "I wasn't really speeding - I was just going with the flow of traffic." "Everyone is talking bad about me." "My teacher didn't remind me about the test, so I got a bad grade." "My parents forgot to give me money for the field trip." "Well how was I supposed to know that was due today?" "My boss totally made up lies about me so he could fire me."

Do you see how seldom the finger points toward self? It's too busy pointing at others' faults.

Let's be honest: none of us can really get off the hook here, can we? How often is the "problem" really "my wife's fault"? How often is someone else to blame when the checks bounce or the project misses its deadline? How often are the circumstances "beyond my control"?

Through years of counseling people in marriage issues and parent/child issues - not to mention raising my own children - I have seen a lot of finger-pointing. I have seen very little willingness to accept personal fault. "I'm sorry, I failed to complete this project on time." "I'm sorry, I should not have been so critical." "Please forgive me for being so unkind."

The finger points in the direction we want people to move. When I point my finger at someone else to highlight their fault (whether or not it's true), I push them away. In contrast, when I point the finger at myself, admitting my own fault, I beckon other people to move closer to me.

Would our relationships possibly be stronger if we readily owned up to our own faults and sought forgiveness from people we hurt along the way?

For the Single Dads

Most of the posts on this blog tend to focus on men who are married with children. However, because I was a single father for 2 1/2 years after my first wife passed away, single dads always have a special place in my heart.

No matter what circumstances made you a single father, I want to give you some encouragement today. Whether you have your children all the time or you share custody with others, God has positioned you to have tremendous influence on your child or children. I want to encourage you to make the most of the opportunity you have.

There's no doubt: being a single parent is hard. Kids' needs are constant. Meeting those needs can be quite exhausting, especially if you're doing it alone. I recently reviewed a large number of e-mails I wrote during those years when I was a single dad, and to some of my most trusted family and friends I regularly vented frustrations with solo-parenting my two young children. In these e-mails I often sought affirmation of decisions I made, or advice on how to handle situations for which I could not find solutions - from bedtime battles to potty training to mealtime complaints.

Dear single dad, may I offer you some thoughts?

• Look to the Lord for help. God is our perfect Heavenly Father, and He is ready to help if you ask Him.
  

• Call on other people for advice. Our culture encourages fierce independence, but single parents cannot afford to muddle through this alone. Have a few trusted friends or family members that you can call or text or e-mail whenever you need advice.

• Spend time with good families. When in the presence of fellow parents you respect, learn all you can from the way they work with their children. Good parents will never mind your asking for words of wisdom. I gained many great ideas from wonderful fellow-parents all around me.

• If your parents were good role models, emulate them. If they were not, be honest about their shortcomings and learn from their mistakes. You may be the first God-honoring parent in your family lineage, so start a good pattern for future generations.

Being a single dad may not be easy, but you can do it. Some days it takes every ounce of energy just to survive through the day. But we really want to do much more than "get by." We want to follow Ephesians 6:4 and "bring [our children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." As you look to the Lord, He will give you the strength and grace to do this.

The Secret for Good Relationships

I have found the secret to maintaining good relationships.

It's not really a new secret. In fact, it's not really a "secret" it all, because it's been in the Bible for thousands of years. Still, as simple as it is to talk about, it is one of the most difficult things to put into practice.

This secret has two sides. One side is humble apology; the other side is complete forgiveness.

In every strong family I have seen, apology and forgiveness are practiced wholeheartedly and regularly. When one spouse messes up, he or she is quick to realize it and apologize with true humility. The other spouse then has the opportunity to practice biblical forgiveness, not counting the sin against their spouse any longer (as God does with us, see Jeremiah 31:34 and Hebrews 8:12). Parents are quick to forgive repentant children. Children have practiced apology and forgiveness regularly with their parents and with their siblings.

The converse is also true, and perhaps easier to see. In families with strained bonds or broken relationships, unforgiveness is almost always a major factor. The wife has a long mental list of her husband's past failings, which she recites in every current argument. The husband likewise can point out all his wife's character flaws with great precision. The children are regularly reminded of the things they always do wrong, and the children have maintained similar lists about their parents. Criticism is common throughout the household; forgiveness is not. These families are not healthy, to say the least.

If we want to have healthy marriages and families, we want to be known as people who are quick to confess our sins to one another (see James 5:16) and forgive one another (see Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:12-14). This is part of loving one another as Christ loved us (see Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19).

The concept is simple, but the practice may be a bit of a challenge. I should be the first to confess that I don't have this mastered in my own household. Still, it's the goal to which we should aspire. Think about it this way: are you more likely to spend time with a person who is gracious and forgiving, or a person who is harsh and critical? Of course, we would all prefer the former, in part because we don't have to worry about what might happen if we mess up. Doesn't it make sense then for each of us to make our home the place where forgiveness is practiced most generously?

I will extend this thought just a little further. As this blog focuses most on husbands and fathers, I will offer you a challenge that I also offer to myself. Men, let's lead the way in apology and forgiveness - with our spouses as well as with our children. Just as the Lord first demonstrated what true forgiveness really is, so too we should lead the way in demonstrating God-honoring humility and forgiveness in our homes. Will you join me in pursuing this priority?

Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Goals for Our Kids

A few nights ago my wife and I took our two oldest children, now ages 10 and 12, out to a nice dinner. Lately they have been asking us why we discipline them the way we do, why we make them do chores, why we hold high expectations for their behavior, and why we deal strongly with sinful issues that arise. We wanted to take time to talk with them, knowing that at their ages, they now need to know a little more of the "why" behind what we do.

We talked together about what we want them to look like when they leave our home. What character traits and values do we most want them to have at age 18?

This is a good question for every parent to answer about their children at all ages, and the discussion should probably begin to include the children when they reach pre-teen years. What do we want our kids to look like when they complete High School?

Here is my list, as it currently stands (though it may be modified as the kids continue to grow):

1. To love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30)

2. To exhibit the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)

3. To remain unstained by sin and the yuck of this world (James 1:27, Matthew 10:16, Romans 16:19)

4. To be honest, trustworthy, and full of integrity (Psalm 26:11, Titus 2:7-8)

5. To be kind and respectful to authority figures, to one another, and to everyone else they know (Ephesians 4:32, Romans 13:1-5)

6. To value hard work and financial responsibility (Colossians 3:23, 1 Timothy 6:6-10)


Once we have a list of our goals, we can ask the next level of questions: "How do we get there? How does everything our family does move our children closer to these goals?" There's nothing wrong with playtime, fun activities, relaxing days, and vacations. I love to have fun with my family! But in the midst of everything I do, I want to keep these goals in mind, and let them affect the choices I make in a number of areas. Here are a few of them:

* The way we discipline them - A little lie is not really a little thing, if we want them to value honesty at all times. I need to lovingly take the time to address moments of dishonesty or times when they are unkind to one another, as well as the larger issues that may also arise.

* The way we encourage their friendships - We want to help them choose friends that will encourage them toward these goals, not pull them in a different direction. Of course, they need relationships with people they can affect for good, but their closest friends should be people who understand and respect these character values.

* The way we choose "free time" family activities - Ballgames, movies, books, video games, and other diversions are great fun, and can be helpful in proper balance with everything else. But if I have only a few short years to help my children learn how to be fully devoted to God, then I want to be strategic in finding ways to move my children toward these goals. Maybe some of our free days can be spent serving in a homeless shelter or helping one of our friends through a tough time.

* The way we plan the spiritual priorities of our family - If we want our kids to know the Bible, then we want to make sure we spend time reading the Bible ourselves, teaching it to our kids, and encouraging them to develop habits of reading the Bible for themselves. We want to pray for them and with them every day, and encourage them to develop personal habits of prayer.

* The priorities my wife and I have for ourselves - We want to be excellent models of these character traits, knowing that kids learn so much from their parents' example. We teach AND we model, because both are important. My wife and I are works in progress ourselves, and we mess up regularly; even when we mess up, we can help our children learn more about God's forgiveness and grace.


Our children belong to God, and we merely partner with Him in helping them become all He wants them to be. May God give us great grace to raise our children to love and serve Him wholeheartedly.

Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com