Candle Time - Connecting with One Another in Marriage

At one period in our marriage, my wife and I were trying to manage life with two jobs and four children, and everyone else's needs always seemed to trump our own. Our calendar was impossibly full with activities every day of the week. It seemed that every conversation we started was interrupted by a phone call or a child's need. At other times we never even began the conversation because we were simply too tired for productive interaction. 

Can you relate?

We reached a point at which we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. We weren't arguing, nor were we headed toward any kind of split. But we just existed from moment to moment, managing the most urgent needs, and feeling more and more disconnected. Neither of us was content with this state, but neither of us knew how to make any changes to improve our marriage.

We sought the input of a counselor, who made some suggestions for how to prioritize time together. We adapted those suggestions, and I want to share one key thing we found to be most helpful in reviving our marriage.

A few days a week, we would go into the living room by ourselves, and light a candle on the end table. This lit candle signaled to our kids, "We love you, but we are taking this time for just the two of us." We told our children they should leave us totally alone when that candle was lit, and only interrupt us if there was gushing blood and a 911 call in progress. If they interrupted us, the penalty was something along the lines of having to make everyone's bed every day for a month. It was not really punishment, but it successfully communicated that they should respect the lit candle and leave us alone with each other.

During these Candle Times, we would not touch our phones (except maybe to look at our digital calendar for something once in a while). We would look into each other's eyes and ask, "How are you really doing?" We would talk about things that brought us joy, and things that brought us frustrations. We would talk about a decision we needed to make together. The topic of each conversation varied, but the major emphasis was that we CONNECTED with one another.

Candle Times sometimes lasted ten minutes, sometimes an hour, depending on the needs of that day. Some weeks we did Candle Time two days; other weeks needed Candle Time almost every day. We did not want to hurry through that time, because this time was a priority for us.

After doing this for a couple weeks, our kids began to observe that when we emerged from "Candle Time," we were in a better place emotionally to be able to invest in meeting their needs. After a few months of this, we didn't even need to light the candle; if a child saw us talking together, they would gently ask, "Is the candle lit?" If we said "yes," they held their question until we were done.

Taking this time together was vital in deepening our marriage. Husbands and wives need time together to connect and talk about more than the calendar and the kids. Whether you use "Candle Time" or another method, I encourage you to take time with your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. By investing time with one another like this, you show each other that the person you're married to is the most important person in your life.

Nurturing our Marriages

  If I plant a flower bed and then do nothing to maintain it, in only a short time it will start to look really bad. Weeds will take over, flowers will wilt, and before long that flower bed will be full of stuff that's either ugly or dead.

Our marriages are much the same. If we want our marriages to be alive and strong, we want to invest in them. Here are six ways we can nurture our marriage relationships:

1. Nurture with CHRIST. As husband and wife draw closer to Christ, we also draw closer to each other. When Christ is at the center of our relationship, we have His help to face any challenge that comes.

2. Nurture with COMMUNICATION. Good communication is essential in any healthy relationship, but even more in marriage. We want to take time to talk together, dream together, work out problems together, and share our innermost thoughts with each other. We want to take time to listen to each other and understand each other.

3. Nurture with CARING and COMPASSION. We read in 1 Corinthians 13:4 that love is kind. When we are kind to one another, that strengthens our marriage. The opposite is also true: when we are unkind to one another, that harms our marriage. Let's seek to be kind to one another even at those moments when it may be difficult.

4. Nurture with CONTENTMENT. When we spend our time thanking God for what we have rather than complaining about what we do not have - this is contentment. When we are content with our spouse, we won't want to look to other people to provide the things that only our spouse should provide. When we are content with what we have, we (individually or together as a couple) won't waste our energy looking elsewhere for something we THINK might make us more happy. We want to be content in the here and now.

5. Nurture with CONFESSION. Confession, and its close partner forgiveness, are foundational to a healthy marriage. I want to be quick to confess when I have wronged my wife. And I want to be quick to forgive her when she confesses something to me. If I am quick to apologize, then my wife is free to forgive, and we can move past those unkind words I said or that thoughtless thing I did.

6. Nurture with COOPERATION. It takes time to feel like we are truly "one" in a biblical sense - intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Marriage is always a "work in progress," but it's a wonderful thing when husband and wife are working together, under the headship of Christ, to become all that God wants us to be.

May these words encourage you as you nurture your own marriage and make it grow.

Dandelions, Scribbles, and Love

Our children have always enjoyed giving gifts to their mother and me. When they were very young, they proudly gave us pieces of paper filled with scribbles; we lovingly displayed these scribbles on the refrigerator for all to enjoy.

Our youngest daughter is now five, and most recently she has taken great delight in presenting bouquets of dandelions to my wife. She proudly arranges the yellow flowers in a little vase and presents them with joy.

It is age-appropriate for a five-year-old to show her love for her parents by giving them dandelions and scribbled pictures. As her parents, we receive these gifts of love with pleasure.

As children grow, their expressions of love grow as well. Our older children, ages 11 and 13, no longer give us dandelions or scribbles. They express their love through hugs, gifts, kind deeds, and thoughtful words. If our older children were to present dandelions as expressions of love, my wife and I might wonder if they were showing genuine love or just playing a game.

We know that our children will continue to mature in their expressions of love as they grow older. As always, the love they show will be gratefully received by their parents.

This makes me think about the way I show my love to my Heavenly Father. When I was very young in faith, God was delighted with my scribbles and dandelions - various childlike gifts of love and faith. My early steps of obedience brought Him glory. My elementary worship delighted His heart. My little coins in the offering basket honored Him. He patiently listened to my simple prayers.

But now that I've grown in faith and in the knowledge of Him over many years, I ask myself: have my expressions of love matured as well?

Fellow Christian, I pose the same question to you.

"For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome" (1 John 5:3).

Love Languages in Our Families

My 10-year-old son often asks, "Can we play a game?" or "Can we watch something together?" His requests tend to come at inconvenient times, but I am learning to respond graciously when he asks. In his own way, he's asking me to show my love for him by spending time with him. That's his love language.

Perhaps you're familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman's work on "The Five Love Languages." He suggests these love languages:
* Words of Affirmation
* Acts of Service
* Receiving Gifts
* Quality Time
* Physical Touch

Chapman further suggests that we each have one primary love language, the thing we most often do to show love, or the thing that others can do that will help us feel most loved.

My love language is Acts of Service, so when I show love to someone, I tend to do something kind or unexpected. Likewise, if someone does something for me, I feel a surge of joy and gratitude.

My wife's love language is Words of Affirmation, so a day without a compliment is a hard day for her. I might clean the whole house for her, but as much as she would be grateful for that, she doesn't feel loved and cherished until I share with her some words of encouragement and gratitude.

For my oldest daughter, it's physical touch. For my son it's quality time. For my youngest daughter, it seems to be physical touch (she's only five, so we're still trying to figure hers out). Each person has his or her own unique love language.

As a husband and father, I want to meet my wife's and kids' needs for love in the ways they best feel loved. This means I have to break out of my natural tendency to show love with acts of service (which I will still do no matter what), and find ways to speak to each of them in their unique love language. Each day I need to spend quality time with my son, snuggle with my daughters, and share words of encouragement with my wife.

You, too, may need to break out of your comfort zone to show love to your wife and children. You may need to go shopping for, or with, the one who thrives on receiving gifts. You may need to take time to linger and hold the one who thrives on physical touch. You may need to search for words of affirmation that will encourage your wife or child (that's probably important no matter what, but even more important for the person with this love language). You may need to take time to do something special for the one who thrives on acts of service. You may need to slow down and spend some unhurried moments with the one who thrives on quality time.

How will you show love to your family today?

Brian T. Whitaker
www.whitakerwritings.com
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You can read more about the five love languages at www.5lovelanguages.com.

Loving When Prickly

In our marriages, we all have times when we become a bit prickly. A wife may draw back from her husband's gesture of tenderness. A husband may respond tersely to a simple question. Kind words are answered with words that are less than kind. A new topic of conversation is hindered by unresolved issues from a previous conversation.

If one spouse is prickly, it's very easy for the other spouse to become prickly in response. However, if you've tried that, you've probably learned (as I have) that this only makes things worse. Most often, both husband and wife descend into prickly solitude.

It's much better to deal with the prickliness and then move toward healthier interactions.

If I'm the one who is prickly, I have to work on my own attitude. I may need to take time to pray. I may need to humble myself before God and before my wife. I may need to confess some sin. I may need to take time to discern what is causing me to be prickly. No matter what, I want to soften my quills as quickly as possible so I can be a better husband.

If my wife is the one who is prickly, she will follow steps like this to deal with her own prickliness. As her husband, besides making sure I don't add to her prickliness by my own negative responses, I have found some very positive and loving ways I can help her.

• I can take time to patiently listen to my wife.  
• I may need to ask forgiveness for something I said or did, or for something I did not do but should have done.
• I can spend some uninterrupted time and attention with my wife. Her prickles may or may not have anything to do with me in particular, but as her husband my expressions of love and support will help her.
• I can offer some tender touch. If she's feeling lonely, I might rub her feet or massage her back. She may just need to snuggle in my arms for a while.
• I can speak some words of affirmation. If she's feeling down, or if she has been criticized, or if the kids' complaints have hurt her, she may need me to thank her for even some of the most mundane things she did during the day. She may need to hear again some of the many reasons I love and appreciate her.
• I can do something special for her. Perhaps I can take care of the kids so she can take an hour or so away from the demands of the house. Perhaps I can give her a night off from cooking or other household duties. 

These ideas are written from a man's perspective, but women who read this can switch the genders and apply these same thoughts toward helping their prickly husbands.

When our spouses get prickly, we want to reach out with tender actions and gracious words, showing great love and patience. After all, isn't that how God treats us? So often we turn away from Him, we bristle against His boundaries, we defiantly fold our arms or even shake our fist at Him - yet He continues to reach out to us in love and grace. Let's follow that model and show that kind of love to our spouses, too.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).